Held
by LiLAqUaMaRiE
Summary: Sometimes people just need to be there for others it could even be by just standing close to them for them to find comfort within your presence. [Spoilers: Sunday 3x17]


**Title:** Held  
**Author:** LiLAqUaMaRiE  
**Fandom:** Stargate Atlantis  
**Pairings/Characters:** Kate Heightmeyer and John Sheppard  
**Rating:** PG/K+  
**Genre:** Drama, angst  
**Spoilers: **Sunday (3x17).  
**Word Count: **2,321  
**Summary:** Sometimes people just need to be there for others; it could even be by just standing close to them for them to find comfort within your presence.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own "Stargate Atlantis" or anything related to it. So don't sue me please!!!! I'm already poor as it is. Don't need a lawsuit to put me out on the street.  
**Note:** I had wanted to base a fic on Carson demise but as to why I chose Kate for this fic? I do not know honestly, maybe it because of the lack of fic on her or because their both doctors - either way, I chose her; as to why Sheppard? It's mostly because as CO of the military regime in Atlantis, I feel he takes that role to protect the people within Atlantis to heart and I can picture him trying to comfort any who are in need of comfort. In the end, I think I like how this fic turned out. The fic was also inspired as well from the song entitled "Held" by Natalie Grant; I wanted to capture the raw emotion of having to lose and the feeling of finding comfort in a hug, in a touch, or in a look from a friend, family - someone close by.

_This is what it means to be held.  
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life  
And you survive.  
This is what it is to be loved.  
And to know that the promise was  
When everything fell we'd be held._  
- "Held" by Natalie Grant

* * *

It was simply a dreadful day; the City of Atlantis had lost one of its children and the people of the city had lost one of their own. Doctor Carson Beckett had died.

Doctor Kate Heightmeyer stood within her darkened office, the only light that shined came from a nearby desk lamp. She was standing near one of the windows, staring outward. It was raining; it was dark, gloomy and it rained – hard. The atmosphere that surrounded the city outside resembled closely to the one that was within the Lost City.

All because Carson Beckett was dead and he wasn't coming back.

To Heightmeyer, the skies above seemed to cry their own set of tears for the fallen soul as it rained, just the same as how every occupant within the city cried their own tears. Death was a hard thing to bear; losing a loved one, friend or family member can be a very difficult time for anyone – the psychiatrist in her understood that fact clearly but to the person, she couldn't help but hate death. Ever since her arrival to Atlantis, Kate had started to associate death with war and war with hate.

Her shoulders slumped as she sighed; death had come and had taken its victim and with it every heart within the city was shattered, their souls lost within the seas of misery.

Quietly, she moved away from the window and turned around to walk towards her desk. Upon reaching it, she gripped the back of her office chair with one of her hands as she stood behind it. As the psychiatrist of the Lost City, she was the one that people often went to when they had a problem or need to just talk to someone. Normally, just a few of the city's occupants would actually come to see her. Most people would try to avoid her as much as possible, but due to the events that had taken place, Kate's office had been flooded with appointments, with people trying to find some sort of solace within their grief.

Heightmeyer closed her eyes briefly as she sat down in the chair trying to relax her mind, if it was possible. She had been very busy all day attempting to help her patients and knew that many days like that one would surely come. From her position, she had tried her very best to give any sort of comfort – help – she could offer; from a shoulder to cry on to a person they could scream at.

However, now that she was alone within the sanctuary of her office – the doctor mask fell from her face.

It had vanished into nothingness.

Her once happy eyes were now shining with unshed tears that she had kept locked away. She had been trying to hold them back ever since she had found out about the death of Carson Beckett, ever since she had patients seeking her help, ever since she wanted to believe she was living a nightmare and not reality. But as her bottom lip quivered, the last bit of restraint she had over her emotions fell apart. Tears ran down her face freely – her heart could finally weep – she could finally grieve.

Kate knew she no longer had to be strong, no longer had to hide, no longer had to believe that all would be fine in the end. Without thinking, she brought her legs up onto the chair as she wrapped her arms around them – gripping them tightly as if seeking some sort of comfort within them.

She had lost someone that was precious to her, now she felt that she was all alone. To her, Beckett was not just the CMO of the Lost City, not just the kind Scottish Doctor that was loved among anyone whom he came across, but a dear friend – someone she considered as an older brother.

He was one of the very few people who saw her as a person – as a human being like all the rest instead of the "crazy head doctor" that everyone wanted to stay away from. He was her only true friend within the city, the one who would take time to spend with her, who would listen to her – who was there for her. Though, he was gone now and she was alone.

He was dead and she hated death for taking him from her. He was dead and she felt as if she was slowly dying on the inside. He was dead and their promise was broken. He promised her that he would never leave her but he was gone and she was abandoned.

Carson was dead and she was forced to live her life without him in it.

That realization made her body shake with the force of her sobs, sobs that escaped from her lips. Kate surrendered herself to her agony. She had wanted to believe that she was just living a dream – a nightmare; wanted to believe he was alive.

It seemed like it was just yesterday that she had last seen his face, she could even still recall her last moments with him.

* * *

_He was standing on one of the many balconies within Atlantis; he was staring down onto the serene waters below. From behind, he could hear soft footsteps getting closer and he glanced behind himself. A small friendly smile graced his lips as he took in who it was, "Kate"._

_Heightmeyer nodded with a small smile in return, "Good morning Carson." She glanced at their surroundings before she stopped to give him a questioning stare, "May I ask why you are here alone?" _

_A soft chuckle was her only response as Kate noticed how the Scot turned his face to stare back at the waters below. She couldn't help it and wonder as to why but before she could ask, Carson answered her, "Ah, what a pleasant day for fishing luv." _

_Kate shook her head with a light smile on her face as it dawned on her. "I see Dr. McKay conceded to going with you, eh Carson?"_

_One again she received a chuckle from Beckett. "Aye, I must admit that it took a lot of patience but I managed to convince him to accompany me." They both shared a smile as they mentally picturing Rodney McKay attempting to fish then silence fell upon them and together they enjoyed the view of the vast ocean waters that surrounded the Lost City._

"_I'm proud of you."_

_The sudden comment made Heightmeyer blink confusedly. "Excuse me?" _

_However, Carson continued on as if not interrupted as he continued to stare down at the water. "After everything Atlantis has been through luv, you haven't changed but yet you've grown." A light smile formed upon his lips, "You're a strong woman Kate, never forget that."_

_Beckett turned to face her, taking in her shocked face; with his smile still intact he silently lifted a hand to her face. Gently he cupped a side of her face within his hand, stroking softly with his thumb as he stared into her eyes. "Never forget it luv."_

_Then suddenly as it came, it left and Carson broke any contact they had. Without another word, he turned around and walked away from her. Leaving her to stand there upon the balcony and stare at his back as he departed – her confused reaction never leaving her._

* * *

So lost was she in her memory, pain, and tears that she was unable to notice someone enter her office; unable to hear the soft footsteps that were headed her way; unable to notice the presence that stood before her until she felt a hand grip one of her shoulders. In an instant, she was brought back to reality as she stood quickly and turned around to stare at her intruder.

Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard stood staring at her with a grim look. Heightmeyer blinked in confusion, "Colonel?" she questioned.

Sheppard sighed deeply as he shook his head. "You shouldn't have to mourn alone."

His words brought her to remember her current state and she attempted to wipe her face, trying to hide any evidence to the turmoil that she had kept hidden for so long but a large hand stopped her small ones.

John had managed to move closer to her, moving a side the chair that had been in between them to stand next to her. He stood there with her hands within his. Gently he squeezed them making Kate stare into his eyes, "You don't have to hide Doc."

She shook her head as she pulled back her hand from his; her attempt to keep her emotions behind a barrier and away from other people had broken – like glass cracking – it broke through. Tears streamed down from her eyes and she continued to shake her head, "Can't let anyone see…" she murmured softly.

John stared at Kate; her gentle eyes that he was so used to seeing with kindness and understanding were now clouded over with pain. A few pieces of loose hair fell down covering her eyes as she stopped shaking her head. She made no attempt to move them away once it had fallen. After a few moments of silence between them, he tentatively reached out to her and pushed her hair softly behind her ear. Noticing that she didn't pull away from his touch he moved in closer and caught her chin within his hand to lift her face up so their eyes could meet. Tears still swept down her face like two small waterfalls and his eyes filled with tears. "I know that losing someone to death is never easy – trust me Doc, I know."

Kate mistook his words for pity and pushed away from him in anger, "Don't look at me like that!" Her eyes glared at him.

He tried to reason with her, "Doc, Kate –"

She ignored him as she tried to back away, "What the hell are you –" she shook her head turning her back towards him, "Just go away, just go."

The Colonel ignored her request and moved forward towards her placing a hand upon her shoulder. "Kate…"

With wild emotions that she was unable to contain she swatted his hand away and turned around to glare at the man before her. She closed the distance between them and started to stab her finger into his chest enraged. "You – you could have stopped...there's no excuse –" Kate knew she was being unreasonable, but she did not care about it now. She wanted to blame this on someone, even though she knew deep down that no one was to blame.

John just stared down at her as he took it all with sad eyes. Slowly he grasped her upper arms, her shoulders to hold her still. "No one could stop him, Doc - you should know that. Still," he struggled with every word, "It doesn't make it hurt any less. I too lost a friend."

Heightmeyer wanted to ignore his words, wanted to hold onto the anger because it dulled the pain she felt over Carson's death. "No, just shut up; John, shut up. Just –"

In an attempt to get through to her, he continued. "You're not alone in this. Everyone within the city is family. We all lost someone to death; we don't want to lose another to pain." His grip on her loosened, "I'm sorry you thought you had to bear this alone. I'm s –"

"No!" Kate's face was covered in tear marks, her eyes red as she trembled. "Don't even finish!" her hands formed into two fists as she started to pound his chest weakly, "Damn it…damn you…damn him…damn…" Her voice broke and sobs erupted from her lips that wracked her wasted frame.

She was tired, emotionally, physically and mentally. Her knees gave way below her and she collapsed into his arms making them both fall to the ground. Quietly he wrapped his arms around her body – holding her close. She laid there against him exhausted, she had no more tears to shed. Sheppard raised a hand to her head and gently stroked her hair, in response he felt her tense slightly but then she relaxed under his touch. "He was a hero, he died a hero." His words were whispered out softly, "He will be remembered as a hero."

Kate smiled softly against him as she laid her head on his shoulders. His words had warmed her heart and she couldn't help but feel safe within the Colonel's arms. She started to realize that maybe she wasn't as alone as she thought after all, that she had someone else she could try to count on if she were ever sad, pained or in trouble.

He felt her hand move to lay on his arms that were wrapped around her, trying to hold onto him just as he was doing to her. Sheppard smiled gently as he spoke to her, "I promise you that that you'll always have my friendship…if you want it that is…"

As Heightmeyer listened to him, her heart and soul started to mend and the pain of her loss slowly start to go. "I would like that." She murmured softly to him. They stood silent with each other until Kate spoke up quietly.

"I – I miss him."

The Colonel sighed and nodded as his hold on her never wavered, "I miss him too." Once again silence reined between them until Kate spoke out again, her voice a mere whisper since her throat was too sore to speak normally due to her cries earlier. "I'm sorry."

Softly, John tucked her head under his chin and started to stroke her hair again, "Don't be. We are all a family." He paused briefly as his eyes traveled towards the windows within the office, the rain had stopped and the bright light from the sun started to cover the city.

"No one should grieve alone."

**FIN.**


End file.
